Sunday, April 10, 2005
[never at ease]
After retreat I hang out at baba's place that afternoon until early night. The situation kind of turned into a dramatic scene. ahehe...wondering why three doesn't work out. ahehe.... pondering until one had a changed of heart and started walking back turned on us. but I can't just watch as he walked out on us, again. it was just hurtful to watch him walk out again. and this time, we just can't let it be. so I dashed after him to stride by his side as I knock off his crack. we walked side by side as we clear things out until eventually we parted ways. and as we parted ways, though no words made it clear, we knew everything's fine and will turn out to be better the next morning.
Having fixed one glitch I thought I should go to sleep. Having doze off and trying to have a dream I, ignored all the shouting I hear. “come home!” was all the words so clear."come home right now! Don’t you dare leave us...come home and let’s talk this over" was all that was echoing outside my bedroom. I tried to ignore so I could go straight asleep, but the words were powerful enough to make me bolt stand up and straight. We those words I heed more myself to sleep, to dream…but those words made my nightmares all real. Another burden, a new issue, makes this night the worst times of my childish-life. I have to forget sleeping in a cozy night and waking up in a bright day.
Now, I realized my life is not all about a dream…
Dreams are meant for those who are sleeping. We’re supposed to wake up and face our nightmares beyond our worst dreams. …but I don’t want to wake up. I want to sleep and dream forever even if it means having the worst nightmares… as long as I’m asleep; even how worse, I know that they’re just dreams. ..with this, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day, the mood of the house was pacified. No signs of any loss and damage. My mom and I left for business to be attended having the faith of returning to not nothingness. In school everything seems okay, all the same with people’s laughter and company’s warmth. But a call from my little brother thru my father’s phone made all the difference. I became numb and stunned from the youth and joys beyond my capable self. Deaf I become from the noise and blunders beside, blind to flash and flickering rays of the day. Worried and helpless, all I can be… for the faith I had before leaving was all nothing upon returning. Being barren and useless and helpless, I drowned myself in the remedy found in company. I joined anyone in laughter, at least I tried, but not a good snicker could ever make the feeling subside. With my best buds who never failed to cheer me up, we played and roamed within the walls of the great mall. With all the crowd and hustle, nothing seemed to bump me into reality. All my best’s could utter was if I was alright. And all I reply to their queries, was I am, I will.
Ha! My bests never fail… they were with me ‘til the night. One wondered why it seemed to be that I’m always bothered…why I was restless, well that sort. I never at ease, that I’m always troubled and problematic. There it hit me, why should I be? Why in the world should I be not at ease? It’s not my problem to start with, and it’s my prerogative not to be bothered, so why should I be? but then again, why should I be not?
My bests did comfort me and made me feel better and less burdened. It was time to go home but I can’t leave. Either I can’t or I don’t want to. I was battling it out in my head whether leave or stay. So I decided to make a run for it, I’m not sure if I was running home or running away…but what ever kind of run it was, I was sure running fast.
2nd part and counting
-_-
4/10/2005 03:45:00 PM
till the next Luna...
